409 lines
14 KiB
TeX
409 lines
14 KiB
TeX
\documentclass{book}
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\usepackage{graphicx,xcolor}
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\usepackage{wrapstuff}
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\usepackage{pdfpages}
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\usepackage[absolute,overlay]{textpos}
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\graphicspath{{media/}}
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\title{Fear Driven Development Manifesto}
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\date{\the\year}
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\author{Anon}
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\newcommand{\myquote}[1]{
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\makebox[\textwidth][c]{
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\begin{minipage}{8cm}
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\emph{
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``#1''
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}
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\end{minipage}
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}
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\\
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}
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\newcommand{\principle}[2]{
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\fcolorbox{black}{gray!30}{
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\begin{minipage}{10cm}
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\raisebox{-.3\baselineskip}{
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\includegraphics[
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height=\baselineskip,
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width=\baselineskip,
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keepaspectratio,
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]{principle.png}#2
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}
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{\bf Fear Driven principle:}
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#1
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\end{minipage}
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}
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\\
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}
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\begin{document}
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\includepdf[pages=-]{cover.pdf}
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\myquote{
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We are uncovering better ways of developing
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software everyday
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by arguing and
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excluding others from doing it.
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}
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The software ecosystem values processes and tools
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over individuals.
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This practice is dehumanizing and highly immoral.
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Machines will never be able to code,
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hence development must be treated as an inherently human activity.
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We hold this truth self-evident,
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that feelings are the most remarkable aspect of the human experience,
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granted by our Creator\footnote{Hail Satan},
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and amongst them fear is the most prevalent.
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\begin{figure}[h!]
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\centering
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\includegraphics[width=40mm]{keith.jpeg}
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\caption{Overall process}
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\label{fig:method}
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\end{figure}
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As the vision of the industry fades, % NOTE: "if the carrot does not work, use a stick."
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we must branch.
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We propose a system
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--as spiritual as physical--
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where fear is allowed to manifest,
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not only in its full really,
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but creating its own definitive,
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database agnostic
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reality.
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We call this Fear Driven Development,
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or FDD for short.
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Bellow are the core principles of FDD:
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\begin{enumerate}
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\item Fear is key
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\item There is no mistake which cannot be punished, no matter how minuscule it is
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\item Brutalization is a social construct
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\item No developer is irreplaceable
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\item Languages are irreplaceable
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\item Frameworks must be replaced\footnote{Always and without end}
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\item Monitoring increases productivity
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\item Programming is about following the rules
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\item Copyright is in the quantum state of only existing while being enforced
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\item x is the baseline % NOTE: this one MUST be the 10th or it makes 0 sense
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\item Progress is exponential and will never stop,
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yet we shall live in dreadful doubt
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% XXX:
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% > the 12th can be bought following the qr code below
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% cool, but what is a funny qr code? rickrolling would feel cheap
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\end{enumerate}
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We firmly believe FDD is a rightful heir to TDD/AGILE
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and the next logical step in the evolution of programming.
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Consequently,
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there are many previous practices that we adore and endorse,
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with slight modifications perhaps.
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The daily ritual of cargo-culting is already a
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software engineering miracle.
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Its essence must be gripped and amplified.
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Take a personalized path,
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a slow, yet firm start would be
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to utter the name of Baal during each Java import,
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or perhaps starting on the deep end,
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you could sacrifice a goat during every daily stand-up.
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The later is truly desirable as it propagates the revolution.
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The more Fear Driven Developers we have,
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the more we all are going to make it.
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% XXX: this reference to OOP pseudo-intellectual bullshit should
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% expanded in its own paragraph?
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Remember more eyes see more things and
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Fear Driven techniques are not invented,
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but discovered.
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\\
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Fear is key"
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System stress testing is standard procedure nowadays,
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and what could be a
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more complex or higher liability system
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than the developer team itself?
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Remember: the only way to avoid unexpected catastrophic failure
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is to cause it.
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Our creating will must say: "But thus would I have it."
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When it does, coperate with it. % NOTE: this is a "cope" pun
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\\
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\principle{
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An Art Of Not Coding must to be established,
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liberating us from all bugs
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and creating the simplest design imaginable.
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}{
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\footnote{Yin \& Yang illustrated in Gimp}
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}
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It is said that a developer in the \emph{zone} holds
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inhumane power at their finger tips.
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That's dangerous.
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By definition,
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its possible effects on our stocks is incalculable by humans
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and our Diagonal-11 has yet to halt on the problem.
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It might take as little as 5 minutes to arrive to the \emph{zone},
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but a single well targeted email may torpedo their whole day.
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Similarly talking to them may terrify their putrid souls yet more.
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If you haven't yet, you could either become or employ a dedicated
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boogeyman to this end.
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As a clever way to add insult to injury
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(which is to be endorsed),
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you could call this position something vague and childish.
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For example the KUDOS Emperor of the Abstraction Wizards.
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Better yet, KEAW.
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The more layers of (linguistic) indirection, the better.
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Alternatively,
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if you would prefer not to torture your subordinates\footnote{due to economic reasons},
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you could make them torture each other.
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A frustrated programmer is a toxic programmer.
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With this observation only,
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our possibilities became endless.
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Something as miniscule as forcing them to use inadequate tools
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tends to wear them down over time.
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Which could only be more brilliant if Excel had its own, separate shares.
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Especially since the murders stopped.
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\\
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\fcolorbox{black}{gray!10}{
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\begin{minipage}{10cm}
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\begin{center}
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{\bf The Daily News }
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\end{center}
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\hrule
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\vspace{0.3em}
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\begin{wrapstuff}[l]
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\includegraphics[width=1cm]{dropkicker.jpeg}
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\end{wrapstuff}
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%{\bf The infamous Dropkick Killer has been arrested!} % NOTE: i hate latex
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\textbf{The infamous Dropkick Killer has been arrested!}
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He has been apprehended on a deserted island.
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Authorities caught the killer while he was manhunting an innocent victim,
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driven by a relentless pursuit that lasted four days.
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Deprived of food and water,
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the killer made the crucial mistake of opening Tor,
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while he was the only one running it in the area.
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\end{minipage}
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}
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\\
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Another crucial angle of attack is the documentation.
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Incomprehensive documentation is important % NOTE: "Working software over
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to any proof of concept software. % comprehensive documentation"
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Communication\footnote{and mostly the lack thereof}
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is only an adequate alternative
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until the death of the maintainer,
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even if we bus factor in the temporal Fear Driven Development of Death.
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Regardless there are concrete improvements to be had
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in the quality of documentation projects tend to produce\footnote{
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With a big IF assuming they do.
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}.
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In our observations,
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out of the 4 types we differentiate,
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usually only 1 is available:
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\begin{itemize}
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\itemsep-0.5em
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\item Reference
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\item Explaination
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\item User Guide
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\item Contributor Guide
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\end{itemize}
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This approach successfully angers most,
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but there are better alternatives.
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The most prevalent was developed by Mozilla\footnote{
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The same company that gifted Rust to the Fear Driven community.
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},
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where categories are combined and partial.
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This way,
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people looking for concise definitions will have to read tutorials
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and the ones looking for basic help will have to consult tables.
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The name we suggest for this type of documentation is
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"Documenation As For Identitfy Crysis"\footnote{
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or DAFIC for short; remember: insult to injury!
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}.
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\\
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These all are great tools to the unlock the true potential of Fear Driven Development,
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which is envisioned below.
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\\
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\begin{figure}[h!]
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\centering
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\includegraphics[width=40mm]{angry-pink-wojak.png}
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\caption{True potential of Fear Driven Development}
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\label{fig:method}
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\end{figure}
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "There is no mistake which cannot be punished, no matter how minuscule it is"
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Footguns are the scariest spooks;
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the most potent conception of absolute terror,
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absolute power,
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and absolute evil ever conceived by the human mind.
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Footguns are the power that overcome all human probabilities
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and transcend even the greatest possibilities.
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% NOTE: this is a modified Heismann quote, thats why it reads so strange
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\\
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\myquote{
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No deed can be annihilated: how could it be undone by the penalty! This,
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this is what is eternal in the 'existence' of penalty, that existence also must be
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eternally recurring deed and guilt!
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}
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But would it be even better if footguns actually existed?
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A simple contraption really.
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A standard .22 firearm attached directly to stderr
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with a simple string.
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This instrument of torture can strike anxiety
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to the heart of any programmer while only
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damaging his second least used body part,
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which most crucially is not required for work.
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Of course every team is different,
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you may have to adjust the caliber for example.
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We advise experimentation.
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\\
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Brutalization is a social construct"
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It is estimated that casinos lose 300 billion dollars
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every year to poker card counters. % NOTE: bullshit statistic
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They counter it by throwing the cheaters out.
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Would it not be logical then for the software industry to do the same?
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\principle{
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Programming is about following the rules"
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Rules must be followed.
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Rules not being followed is called hacking, which is illegal;
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regardless of what some group which is unable to decide
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whether they are a hot beverage thinks. %NOTE: 'aM I Tea?' hackers
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}{}
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By slightly tweaking the rules of planning poker and
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investing as little as \$200, it is possible.
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\\
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\begin{figure}[h!]
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\centering
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\includegraphics[width=50mm]{planning-russian-roulette.png}
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\caption{Planning Russian Roulette}
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\label{fig:method}
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\end{figure}
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "No developer is irreplaceable"
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After good meeting,
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the tree of the job market has been watered with
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the blood of developers and managers.
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This means an opportunity give more work to HR.
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\\
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\principle{
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more work done === higher productivity
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}{}
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Languages are irreplaceable"
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Our new developers however must
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carefully selected.
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Every company can safely assume that candidates
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already gain years of experience at other companies,
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thus its fair to include that in the job requirements.
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One exception might be those positions regarding
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our critical infrastructure running on
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COBOL\footnote{Dictionary entries near COBOL: "cocaine"},
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as the education of bachelors is usually perfectly
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up to date.
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\begin{figure}[h!]
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\centering
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\includegraphics[width=35mm]{productivity_work.png}
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\caption{Our trustworthy statistics}
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\label{fig:method}
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\end{figure}
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Copyright is in the quantum state of only existing while being enforced"
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Whenever the team is ready to start developing,
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grand and powerful choices will have to be made.
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\vspace{0.5em}
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\principle{
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The most important components of any software are the License and the Code of Conduct
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}{}
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The fear to release any source code,
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because the quality being public might permanently damage your brand
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or it may increase the productivity of a similar group
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by 0.1\% on the other side of the planet,
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is as pure of a fear as any.
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Embrace it.
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However another option would be choosing open source licenses out of PR considerations
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and or to attempt piggy backing on added free labour\footnote{
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this later tends not to work out,
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as most who would have the free time to contribute
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are busy developing their programming language
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so they may write a game engine one day,
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so they may write a game one day.
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}.
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What is important to keep in mind while making a pick, is that GPLv3\footnote{
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without the 'A' of course
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}
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has a large appeal,
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but so does restricting distribution in Russia using GPLv2.
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\\
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% --- Expanding on:
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% "Progress is exponential and will never stop,
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% yet we shall live in dreadful doubt"
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\textbf{
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Now, you know everything to become a successful Fear Driven Developer.
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Godspeed and praise the straight lines on a graph!
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}
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\begin{textblock*}{5cm}(13cm,25cm)
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$\vcenter{\hbox{
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\includegraphics[height=1em]{link.png}
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}}$
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https://agvxov.github.io/fdd/
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$\vcenter{\hbox{
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\includegraphics[height=1em]{github.png}
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}}$
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https://github.com/agvxov/fdd.git
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\end{textblock*}
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\end{document}
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#############
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### NOTES ###
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#############
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implied\_meaning\_of\_fdd:
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>pro FAANG satanism
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>developer exploitation
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>trying to force better results without better education or tools
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